weight today: 134 lbs.

according to wikipedia, auld lang syne literally means "old long since", but a more idiomatic English translation would be something like "long long ago", "days of long ago", "in olden days", or even "once upon a time". "for old time's sake" or "to the good old days" may be modern-day expressions, in common use as a toast, that capture the spirit of "for auld lang syne".

this phrase encapsulates the spirit of my life well at the moment... since the origins of this endeavor stem from long ago, when i was very young, it seems only fitting to begin a new year of living going back to where i came from. and that is what this journey will ultimately be about-- digging into my past, tracing cause & effect of patterns and choices, confronting my fears, and with any luck emerging in a few month's time a little wiser, a little cleaner, a little more hopeful, a little stronger, and a little more myself.

tonight i am overwhelmed with love. i feel very lucky and supremely blessed to have so many incredible, special, caring people in my world, carrying me along and holding my hand through life's journey. time does not afford me the luxury to savor, relish and simmer over each gift, wish, extension of friendship or camaraderie properly as i would like to. instead i am going to get a complement log, and keep track of all the good things that come my way, and then beam it's contents back into the world to give back tenfold. no amount of approval or love from others can substitute for self love though, funny how this works. i am pleased to be becoming the person with whom i would want to wake up with in the morning, respect deeply with all my heart, dance with in the fields, share a secret over tea, climb a tree with on a cloudy day, trust with my deepest darkest fears & know that they will be encased in the most delicate and supportive hands. thank you to all of you who have lifted me up and held me until i could hold myself in this way. i remember feeling this way once long ago and i am overjoyed to sense it's return, a warm glow of comfort and acceptance from within. i just wanted to say thank you to my family, my friends, my vast and deep support network, for making me feel whole and being by my side as i come into this fullness. i'm ready.

so, by the time I have finally gotten here this evening, I am too bloody tired to do much of anything...

its amazing how long a day can feel like. not even 24 hours, just 15 really...

Here is a thought-- it is a lot of work being sick. It's much easier maintaining what you've got health wise.

i have so many thoughts zinging through my noggin that it's impossible to keep record of or share them all, unfortunately ... but I'll try...

i liked the piece i read recently for crohnie's/uc folks that said "you know you have these things when..." and one of the things was for creative bathroom time usage; a guy had put a laptop stand in his bathroom which i am currently now using a similar take on! why not? I was in the middle of something when I was so interrupted.
I remember one of the first things I bought for my new bathroom when I moved into my current place was a nice stainless steel toilet paper roll dispenser from Bed, Bath, & Beyond. To most of the rest of the world, this seems a superflous purchase and a waste of $20 and floor space. To me however, it has proved to be one of the most frequently used and refilled items in this room and WELL worth the investment.

My health care consultant mentioned to me the other day something about diarrhea, which popped into my head just now as I begrudingly drag myself out of my comfy, cozy, warm cloud of a bed tonight into the cold bathroom as duty calls-- its quite simple really, but when something goes in that irritates the system and that the body rejects, it wants it out. that is what diarrhea is, the natural process of the body trying to get out something that it does not like. it may materialize in a bit of a delayed reaction, but pretty much I can speak for myself here and say that my story concurs wholeheartedly with this simplistic but accurate notion behind the big D.

Here's a very brief synopsis of the day:

Sleep: 11:30-6:30 = 7 hrs.
Bags under eyes, despite Burt's Bees cream concealer, are prominent. Hair is dry, skin VERY dry.
Supplements: 2 tsps. L-Glutamine powder, 2x
1 fish oil capsule
3 digestenzymes with food
75 mg 6MP (Purinethol)

7:45am: 1 Organic American Spirit Light (hey, if Dr. House prescribes it for his Crohn's patients, its good enough for me!), couple pieces of Trident gum with xylitol.
Water.

Breakfast: forgot to bring this

10am: a cup of rain forest nut fair trade coffee (8 oz.) with a splash of lactose free, organic milk and 1 splenda

Lunch: 1 piece Applegate farms turkey, Whole Foods veggie potato chips, 2 small pieces organic blueberry jello squares, chocolate flavored muscle milk and org,, low fat, lactose free milk

snack: 3 almond butter balls

Dinner: Chicken breast, small waffle fries with 1 packet ketchup, small unsweet iced tea with lemon
Exercise: none, it rained

Support: went to a meeting

Giddy up, git 'er done, just do it, here we go, this is it! So I am beginning a new journey here with all of you... embarking on a new adventure to reclaim my health and true essence, and I will be keeping a log of it here to follow along the path and look back on the steps I take. I am thirty years old and have had severe Crohn's disease for eighteen years now. After spending my formative years very ill, with modern medicines and surgery failing me miserably, I have been given a wellness plan by naturopathic doctors which I intend to give a fighting chance in hopes of turning things around for the better. Other neat stuff will be added to the site as well in the coming weeks so be on the look out for a more rounded picture of the life of Val & the state I'm in, as well as juicy tidbits of holistic thoughts/findings along the way .


Here is a very brief synopsis of my current condition, which will be added to in the near future, in addition to more details of the outline I am following for the next three months, and beyond, upwards of approximately a year.



State of mind/well-being: sleep deprived, fearful, excited, emotional
Weight: 141 lbs.
A sampling of some "last meals" recently: homemade gluten-free pizza, organic brown rice chocolate krispies cereal with organic lactose free milk, gluten-free bagels, Cadbury's mini eggs, Haribo gummi alphabet letters


Tomorrow, and a better life soon to come on the horizon, happily for me, is only a day away!



photos by john at twistedsun.net on 2.28.07